Many people that I meet or talk to about my hydrocephalus ask me one question first: "Does that limit you in any way?"
For a very long time, even in 2018 during my video shoot with MIETHKE, I used to answer "No" to that question. But that was somehow not quite true - I would call it "professional repression".
A lot has happened since then: I started studying and got problems with my shunt right at the beginning. The time had come when I could no longer suppress my thoughts and feelings about my life with hydrocephalus and had to deal with them. My limitations became more present, but even though I noticed them, I didn't really want to acknowledge them at first. Two revisions later, I spent a lot of time thinking about "productivity" and "performance" and I realized that I had to redefine those for myself: Maybe "productivity" and "performance" could no longer mean the same as they did and do without hydrocephalus. I realized that it really took a lot of energy to constantly go beyond my own limits. Since then, I've spent a lot of time thinking about myself, what I'd like to do with my life, and how I can achieve those goals. By now, I am more or less at peace with my hydrocephalus and yet I answer the question about limitations differently now.
Yes, my hydrocephalus limits me. I know life "before" because I was not diagnosed until I was 14 years old. And if someone asks me: Yes, it was definitely nicer without hydrocephalus. I want to be honest with you and especially with myself. This carefree "not having to worry about headaches" doesn't exist anymore. Due to the hydrocephalus, headaches are of course always an alarm signal for me. I can't concentrate like before and I'm not as carefree as I was before the disease. Too much has happened. Sometimes I still live in my "old life" and get a bit emotional when I realize that things are no longer the way they used to be.
Nonetheless, I don't give up hope. My most important message to all people struggling with their hydrocephalus can also be applied to many other conditions, I think: Never stop fighting for yourself. Listen to your body when you think something is wrong. Don't let anyone tell you how you should feel. All feelings are okay and bad times are followed by good ones!
Living with hydrocephalus has difficult phases, I'll be honest. It's often not pretty or things take a completely different turn than originally planned. But still, I would say: Guys, life with hydrocephalus can also be beautiful! Maybe you have to adapt to the circumstances. Maybe you have to find a new path. Thus, I have changed my original plans and am now doing something completely different. I am studying, maybe it will take me longer than other students, but it doesn't matter. And my hydrocephalus is also there, I can't change that, because it is a part of me. Saying it like that sometimes still hurts, because it makes it more real - but that's also part of the journey.




